04/29/09
Three Stages to Forgiveness
There are three stages to forgiveness.
1. To forgive the person who you believe hurt you in some way.
2. To forgive yourself for making them wrong.
3. To get it that forgiveness itself was not necessary.
To move on with our life, to be happy, we must learn to forgive. To forgive requires first to forgive the person who we believe harmed us. Forgiveness is not saying that what another did towards us is ok but rather it is just a decision to let go. What the person did was not personal. What the person did was the best he or she could do. Next it is necessary for us to forgive ourselves for making the person wrong, for passing judgment on the person. Our work here is to get that we too are doing the best that we can and just let go of the judgment. The third part is to get that forgiveness itself was not necessary, that what happened took place in the Divine order that it was supposed to take place, that it was perfect simply because it happened the way that it happened. Surrender to this transforms us and our life.
04/26/09
Four Ways of Thinking that keep us stuck in life.
The are four ways of thinking that keep us stuck in life.
1. Looking Good: Many who enter recovery are more concerned with looking good for others than with doing the work of recovery. In fact one could generate a conversation that doing the work of recovery would create that the person would not look good. However, being concerned with what others think about the person, how one feeds his or her self esteem, requires that he or she look good. Much of looking good is living in pretense, pretending that something is real and true while hiding that which is real, even his or her real self image.
2. Being right: Many individuals doing recovery and committed to being right. Being right is again a concern with how one will appear to others. Being right is attempt to increase self esteem in the eyes of others. However, being right requires that the other person be wrong, hiding the fact that I somehow believe that I am wrong. Utilizing being right is a cover up for feeling and thinking that the person is somehow wrong.
3. Knowing everything: Knowing everything is again about how one appears to others. Utilizing knowing everything will not allow the person to learn, to grow, but will keep one stuck where they are. Practicing that you know nothing especially before you engage in any sort of learning experience, like a meeting, allows you to be open to the possibility of something changing or transforming your life. Acknowledging that you know nothing allows you to learn.
4. Being different: Many people believe that somehow they are different. Being different is again at attempt to influence another person's opinion of the person, to get them to somehow accept the individual. Being different implies being separate but really translates to the person thinking that they are superior to others. Being different runs counter to the notions of unity, service and fellowship.
Many people in recovery utilizes most of these ways of thinking. Learning how to suspend their use and transform that which is hidden under them would allow for the creation of real possibility for the individual, possibility that did not exist before.
You have never been there yet!
Assisting people in altering the course of their life sometimes amounts to helping them to create a possibility that was not there before. One such possibility can be found with a person who experiences fear and stress with the thought of going back to be with a particular person, a place where they came from and or certain situations and circumstances. Unsure of how they will be able to cope with or handle a particular person, a place or situation they tend to experience in some cases a great deal of stress, anxiety and fear, especially as the reality of the situation draws closer. While the individual will most likely have to make certain changes in his or her life, one transforming thought that can help them to act, do and be different is to get the fact that they have never been where they are going. Everything for them is new, brand new. In a literal sense, it will be a new experience.
One person I knew had invested two years of his life in transforming who he had been being. When he had made the decision to return to his three children and wife he started to experience a great deal of stress and worry. All he could remember was how it had been, what the past was like and now he was starting to think about or even doubt whether he could handle what he was going back to. In a conversation with him I suggested that he consider the idea or thought that he had never been to his home town,to his family, that it was all brand new. Part of the conversation involved an explanation of how the physical world had altered itself many times over and that in a very real sense what he was "returning" to had been gone for along time, for at least the two years he had been away. Once he allowed himself to consider the idea, that is, the possibility of it, that there was no returning, only a going to something new, he was able to create the space necessary to create his life the way that he wanted and that was in alignment with his recovery.
To not get this transforming idea is to continue to live in the past or at least have the past influence if not determine how they will be, and even, who they will be. The reality is that we are always moving into something new, never back to, always forward. If we don't get it and apply it that which we are moving into will be a replay of the past. The past will keep being recreated as our future, being lived in the present. Remember, you have never been there yet!
11/19/08
Who Are We?
The question, "Who Are We?" or "Who Am I?" is one that man has been struggling with for many years. There have been many answers put forth by various thinkers throughout the ages as to who we really are. I believe that as long as we attempt to define ourselves as something separate, as this or that, that we will never know or experience who we really are. It is only be getting the unity of ourselves with the world, with reality, that we have the possibility of experiencing who we really are. From being separate, from perceiving and believing that we are separate from others and everything in the world, do we experience pain, life being a struggle, and the human conditions that seem to haunt humanity. It is by experiencing our unity that we find the answer to the above mentioned question. As Tolle wrote in A New Earth, "Underneath the surface appearane, everything is not only connected with everything else, but also with the Source of all life out of which it came. Even a stone, and more easily a flower or a bird, could show you the way back to God, to the Source, to yourself."
11/17/08
Fear of Dying
As human beings we have many fears. One is the fear of dying. Sometimes we think about it and many times we dont, rather just pushing it away to maybe think about another time. We simply fear death as we believe it will be our end of existence.
I started to lose my fear of death during my attendance at my father's funeral. It is like I learned still another thing from him. My father dying simply made it ok for me to die. That my father faced death gives me the ability and strength to face it as well. With my father passing death no longer is something to be feared.
I learned alot from my father while he was alive and as it seems, I learned one of the most important things with his passing.
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Recovery from Drugs and Alcohol
- Acceptance and Counseling
Part of my practice of counseling is to stay present to the practice of acceptance. While our tendency is to make others wrong, to find fault with others, in what they say and do, my practice is to accept that which is presented to me. When a client shares my practice is to listen without judgement, to listen from a space where nothing is wrong, to listen from a space that he or she is doing the best that they can at the moment and the journey is about learning more, learning how to do things differently and more in alignment with loving the self and others. My practice is not about changing anyone as only the person can do that. My practice is about having a conversation with the person about how they create their life and how they do that from the thoughts that they have. It is from my thoughts, my thoughts about myself and my thoughts about others, my clients included, that I live my life. Acceptance is about accepting others for who they are and who they are not. Acceptance is about getting that everyone is perfect, whole and complete.
- Acknowledgement as a Source of Recovery and Transformation
Acknowledgement is part of the Daily Homework.
Acknowledge yourself and others daily. Acknowledge the miracles in your life. Pracing affirming that every moment of your life is a miracle.
Practice acknowledging yourself throughout the day. Focus on the positive things that you are doing. Focus on the positive things that you are creating for yourself and your life. What you focus on will expand and grow and become what you are up to and about.
When negative thoughts appear merely acknowledge their existence but let them go, giving them no extended time. When negative thoughts appears merely acknowledge their existence and then create a positive thought in your mind. Do not resist the negative. What we resist persists, as Jung once said.
Life is a miracle. When we start to experience the miracle of life our life will transform.
- Being Easily Influenced as a Source of Concern
Some in recovery complain that they are easily influenced and that this is and has been a problem for them. It is as though they believe that others have some control or power over them and that they are easily influenced in what they do and think in life. The truth is that being easily influenced is a cover up for what is really going on. Being easily influenced is about wanting and trying to please other people, inorder to get the other person to like the person who does the pleasing. Doing what the other person wants, requests or demands inorder to get them to like and accept the person is what being eaily influcenced is really about. Pleasing others is not about the other person but more about the person himself, about fixing the person. If I am easily influenced then I am really trying to please another person, inorder to fix myself, to feel good about me. It is all about me regardless of whether I say so or not.
- Being Gratiful For What We Have !
The work of transformation is about learning to alter or change your way of thinking and of how you see yourself and the world. The work of transformation is about being gratiful for what you have. Many times people are not gratiful for what they have or have had. Yesterday I sold my home that I had lived in for seven years. On my way out of the house for the last time I turned and thanked the house for what it had done and been for me. I got at that moment that the house had come into my life and had been of assistance to me, greatly, at time in my life when I needed alot of assistance. The house gave me many things, safe haven being only one of them. Knowing that this would be the last time I would be in the house as its owner, I thanked the house for everything that it had done for me, for keeping me safe and letting be start to grow again. I am very gratiful for the house that I lived in and that I was now letting go of.
- Creating a Relationship Early in Recovery
One of the major Red Flags and causes of relapse is the creating of a relationship early in recovery. Even though many individuals are coached to avoid creating relationships in early recovery, many ignore the suggestion and do it anyway. When a person comes into recovery he or she is in a depressed emotional state. Intentional focus should be directed towards or upon the individual alone, upon the person figuring out how one is sourcing his or her experiences into life. This will require an inner journey. Most likely this journey will not be one of pleasure or joy. If a person creates a relationship early in recovery the work will most likely not take place. In addition to the focus now being upon the relationship and not the individual, the pain that must be looked into will be avoided, rather taking on the pleasure of a relationship, esp the sexual aspects of a relationship. If given a choice we will, as human animals, move towards pleasure and will avoid pain. Part of recovery requires that pain be faced and moved into and not avoided. Creating a relationship early in recovery is a major Red Flag.
- Four Ways of Thinking that keep us stuck in life.
The are four ways of thinking that keep us stuck in life.
1. Looking Good: Many who enter recovery are more concerned with looking good for others than with doing the work of recovery. In fact one could generate a conversation that doing the work of recovery would create that the person would not look good. However, being concerned with what others think about the person, how one feeds his or her self esteem, requires that he or she look good. Much of looking good is living in pretense, pretending that something is real and true while hiding that which is real, even his or her real self image.
2. Being right: Many individuals doing recovery and committed to being right. Being right is again a concern with how one will appear to others. Being right is attempt to increase self esteem in the eyes of others. However, being right requires that the other person be wrong, hiding the fact that I somehow believe that I am wrong. Utilizing being right is a cover up for feeling and thinking that the person is somehow wrong.
3. Knowing everything: Knowing everything is again about how one appears to others. Utilizing knowing everything will not allow the person to learn, to grow, but will keep one stuck where they are. Practicing that you know nothing especially before you engage in any sort of learning experience, like a meeting, allows you to be open to the possibility of something changing or transforming your life. Acknowledging that you know nothing allows you to learn.
4. Being different: Many people believe that somehow they are different. Being different is again at attempt to influence another person's opinion of the person, to get them to somehow accept the individual. Being different implies being separate but really translates to the person thinking that they are superior to others. Being different runs counter to the notions of unity, service and fellowship.
Many people in recovery utilizes most of these ways of thinking. Learning how to suspend their use and transform that which is hidden under them would allow for the creation of real possibility for the individual, possibility that did not exist before.
- Group Counseling and Recovery
My style of doing group counseling with those in recovery, especially in the early stages of recovery, is to be more directive and even didactic. It is important to get that the addicts thought process is what created their life situation and it is their thought process that is the key to their recovery. If left to its own current level of functioning, that is, with respect to both the process and content, the addict will most likely use again, and relapse after discharge. To confront the addict's thoughts and thinking process in way that does not appear as an attack on their self is very important. The separation of the client or self and their way of thinking is an important one to make as a therapist and with the client. While the client it not his or her thoughts or thinking process, it is their thinking pattern that is directing their life and as a result creating their addiction, or atleast bringing the drugs and alcohol into their life. It is their thoughts and thinking process that must change inorder for recovery to be successful.
- Having an Agenda in Counseling
When a client comes to me to engage in the counseling process I always have an initial conversation about having an agenda. An agenda is about having something specific to discuss in the counseling session. This something is something that the client wants to work on and achieve some sort of resolution to by the end of the counseling session. Consistently having an agenda ready for the session, after the initial session, is a statement about the person's commitment and intention for the process of counseling, to their willingness to change. If the individual comes to a session with no agenda then that person is not ready or willing to work on any particular problem in his or her life during the session. Furthermore, there is no sense of responsibility on the person's part for wanting to resolve certain parts of his or her life. I have this conversation about having an agenda both for individual and group counseling sessions.
- Importance of Positive Self Esteem for Recovery
Along with a dependency upon drugs and/or alcohol I also experience very poor self esteem in those who come to treatment or for counseling. Poor self esteem is one of the major problems that most if not all addicts have to deal with. It is part of an addicts depression. I have found that the belief of "not being good enough" is present in all addicts. If this problem is not openly and directly changed much of what the person has done with his life will be duplicated. I believe that our life is lived from one central source, the view that we have about ourselves, our self image. If that self image is not positive but rather a negative one then the individual's life will be the same, negative in nature. Once a person starts to change his or her self image and to the point of thinking positively about oneself then their life will truly transform, deleting the need for drugs and/or alcohol.
- It is about Choice !
Much of the recovery process is about choice. It is a choise to do recovery, to go to meetings and work with a sponsor. It is a choice to do readings of recovery material, to have conversations about recovery with others and to assist others in recovery. When we do not take on choice as what it is about, we are attempting to not be in responsibility for something that is happening to us in our life. If we do not acknowledge that we are always making or having a choice in what we experience we will tend to believe that something is happening to us as opposed to us creating or sourcing it into our life. Taking on choice as what it is about is very powerful and keeps us in our responsibility.
- More Red Flags
There are many Red Flags for one who is in the process of recovery. In addition to not communicating with ones sponsor, other Red Flags are missing or being late for meetings, becoming to busy for recovery work, never doing the homework assigned by a sponsor or therapist, never sharing in meetings, complaining about the meeetings, a sponsor or counselor, creating disruptions in meetings, not listening to those sharing in meetings, falling asleep or being tired in meetings, being resistant or arguing about the topic or subject of the meeting and leaving the meeting before it is finished. Part of the work of a counselor or sponsor is to coach the addict into recognizing the Red Flags as they appear in his or her behavior and how to communicate the Red Flag to another person, specifically his or her sponsor or counselor.
- mp3 Downloads of Therapeutic Relaxation Music to the World
Modern technology now allows us to bring the power of therapeutic relaxation music to the world. The music that I create has one primary function, to relax a person and reduce the experience of stress. With the internet and the mp3 download program that we use, our therapeutic relaxation music can be transmitted to anyone who needs to experience a deep state of relaxation. In addition to the delivery of our therapeutic relaxation music through the internet, other professionals are starting to use our music to create their own audio health care products. The primary purpose of our musical creations is to help others to experience a deep state of relaxation. Once in this state the ability to transform their lives increases as the possibility of learning increases. We are more able to learn if we are relaxed and balanced as opposed to stressed out.
- Positive Affirmations and the Recovery Process
As an addict's thought process is that which is in need of change, the use of affirmations can assist in the recovery process. About two years ago I created a positive affirmation CD, "Enhancing My Self Esteem" from my studying of Louise Hay's works. It got it that positive affirmation work and are even powerful for transforming our life. Given this new insight and knowledge I created the cd with fifty positive affirmations and began to use it in my work with addicts. The cd is about helping an addict change the negative self talk to one that is more positive in nature. If the addict listens to the cd consistently during his or her treatment and then after discharge for a period of time, he or she will begin to feel better about himself. The addict's self esteem will begin to rise, and with it the motivation to do the recovery work. While it is not a substitute for the recovery readings, it is a tool that the addict can use to support his recovery.
- Power of Thought and Recovery
Those in recovery begin to transform their lives when they start to get the power of their thought. When they start to get that their thinking is the true cause of much of what they are experiencing. The difficulty for some in getting this, and using it, is that they have to begin to give up blame and start to assume responsibility for their life. The feel of success will keep them from transforming their life. The belief that they are not good enough will keep them from true transformation and happiness. When one believes that he or she is not good enough there will be no experience of a connection with God or spirit.
- Practicing Patience for those in Recovery can make a difference.
Practicing Patience is part of the Daily Homework.
Practice patience daily! Remember that you are doing the best you can. At the moment that we do anything we do the best that we can. When you know more, you will do things differently. Remember to also do this in regards to others too.
Practicing patience is about acceptance. Acceptance of yourself. It is about accepting where you are and also, where you are not. We are doing the best that we can at any moment of our life. When we act or do something we are doing the best that we are capable of at that moment. While we may want to do things differently in the future and will do so with learning, accepting that we are doing the best at any moment allows us to avoid the harm created by guilt and as a result to begin to transform our life.
Furthermore, it is very liberating and freeing to practice patience with another person. They too are doing the best that they can, at any moment. Accepting that other people are doing the best that they can at any one moment allows us to not only connect with that person as to purpose in life but enable us to give up frustration and even anger towards them. With patience we can begin to transform our life through accepting another for who they are and who they are not.
- Recovery and The Way of the Peaceful Warrior
The work of Dan Millman is very powerful for assisting one in transforming their lives. In my work at the Holistic Addiction Treatment Program I introduce all of the clients to “The Way of the Peaceful Warrior” both as a book and movie. Below are listed some of the distinctions that are presented in the movie. After the movie a discussion group is held to process these distinctions and how they may assist the clients in their recovery from drugs and alcohol.
1. Knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is knowing something and Wisdom is doing it.
2. Highest purpose is for us to be of service to others.
3. “Take out the trash”. Trash the thoughts in your mind that keeps you out of the moment.
4. We are afraid of what is inside. The only place to find what you need is inside you. The experience of fear/being scared is about being empty.
5. Are you paying attention (to your addiction)?
6. What are you holding onto (that keeps you stuck in your addiction)? Who are you without your addiction? Practice of letting go of what you are holding onto that keeps you stuck. Give up your attachments.
7. “Not knowing” is the first principle of a Warrior. Getting this allows one to be and remain teachable, open to learning.
8. There are no ordinary moments. There is always something going on. Pay attention to the present or now.
9. Give up the Good-Bad, Right-Wrong way of thinking about yourself and others.
10. Happiness is about your journey and not the destination.
- Red Flags for Recovery
A person will either resist or surrender to the process of recovery. The dance between the two will continue. Knowing or becoming aware of when a person is resisting can assist him in staying in recovery and not relapsing. The Red Flags for Recovery was created to assist those in recovery to be able to check out their behavior, what they are doing that would indicate that they are creating the process that will eventually end in relapse. One of the Red Flags is being out of communication with a person's sponsor or counselor. Staying in touch or communication with a sponsor is vital to the person recovery. Such a Red Flag will also appear as missing or being late for calls with a sponsor or counselor.
- Spirituality and Recovery
The program of recovery creates the space for one to have or develop spirituality. The means by which this is accomplished is through having one create a sense of connectedness with others and the community. In active addiction one feels alone and isolated in the world and as a result has little if any true spirituality. Through attraction to and participation in recovery, the program offers one the possibility of experiencing unity, fellowship and of being of service to others. As one begins to develop a sense of being connected to others, he or she begins to experience less isolation and more relatedness. As this sense of relatedness expands ones sense of spirituality also grows. Ones experience of spirituality is directly related to his belief in his relatedness to others, the community, nature, the universe, etc.
- Taking Suggestions
There is a line in the Big Book that is crucial to the recovery process for anyone, for a person in AA or NA. "The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success." It makes reference to being the first requirement for a very important reason. The implication from this line is about taking suggestions. In the beginning of the recovery process the ability of a person to accept and follow suggestions will make a big difference in whether or not he or she is able to do recovery successfully. It may even been what keeps a person alive or not. It is one of the first components of my work with other in recovery that gets processed and discussed, both in group and individual settings. How a person is in their ability to follow suggestions needs to be confronted and processed almost immediately as most individuals in recovery want to do life their way.
- The Four Agreements and Recovery
A book that is showing up more and more in recovery is The Four Agreements. The book was written by don Miguel Ruiz. The utilization and practice of the four agreements can aid, if not transform, ones recovery process. Part of the power of this book is that it puts the work of transformation, and recovery, back with the person himself, making it the person's total and complete responsibility. It is not about other people, places or things, but about the individual. It is about being impeccable with his word, never taking anything personal, not making assumptions and doing his very best.
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